Smack Attack

As the bout with Leeds is almost upon us, tickets still available here, at long last here is the write up from Smack Attack!

On the 21st of March 2009 the Middlesborough Milk Rollers rolled up to Cocks Moors Woods Leisure Centre, Birmingham, in the bright spring sunshine to take on Birmingham Blitz Derby Dames for Middlesborough's first public bout. Although there was a smaller crowd than most of BBDD's home bouts, largely due to the London based Glasgow Roller Girls/London Rockin Rollers' bout scheduled for the same day, there was a cracking atmosphere. MMR and visiting referees received a warm welcome and were fabulous guests.

The referees were:
Head Ref: Justine Credible (BB*DD)
Jam Ref: Cain Unstable (ARRG)
Jam Ref: Scrim Reaper (BBRG)
Pack Ref: Karl Lagerfilled (RCRG)
Pack Ref: Matt the Knife (LRD)
Pack Ref: Noise Pollution (MMR)
Pack Ref: Pink A Boo (MMR)
Announcers:
Blow Up Betty and Jack Off Licence
BB*DD Line Up Manager: The Skatrix
MMR Line Up Manager: Moody Fuse

MMR Skaters:
Captain: Rita Von Sleaze #7
Co-Captain: Germaine Leer #27
Oompah Thump-Ya #410
Darcey Hustle #28
Fraulein Wunder #6
Smokin Ace #23
Eve O Lution #666
Inky Minx #81 (BBRG Guest Skater)
Tartan Tearaway #509 (ARRG Guest Skater)
Track Widow #8 Ball (BBRG Guest Skater)
Armalite Angie #30-30-150 (ARRG Guest Skater)
Ciderella #-3C (ARRG Guest Skater)
Hurricane Hayles #74mph (ARRG Guest Skater)

BB*DD Skaters:
Captain: Violet Attack # 16
Co-Captain: Union Jack-U-Up #333
Roisin Roulette #N17
Sleazy Rider #15
Hilda BlizzHard #52
Bee Sting #101
KiKi Kasplat #79
Saintly Sin #14U
Elle Fire #11
Victoria Cross #27
Gun Bunny #888
Diamondback Belle #77
Bitter Sweet #<3
Diabolus Rutilus #55
Alternate:
Talula Trash #86

Period One:
Jam One. Gun Bunny gets lead jammer, Inky Minx gets to check out the penalty box. BB*DD 4 - MMR O
Jam Two. Inky Minx comes out of the penalty box to gain lead jammer status before KiKi Kasplat can get through, despite a lovely whip offered to the Birmingham jammer by Victoria Cross. BB*DD 15 - MMR 6
Jam Three. Sleazy Rider beats Oompah Thump-Ya to lead jammer. BB*DD 18 - MMR 7
Jam Four. A great jam for Violet Attack, the only jammer to pass through the pack. BB*DD 27 - MMR 7
Jam Five. Hilda Blizzhard is beaten to lead jammer by Fraulein Wunder. BB*DD 30 - MMR 1O
Jam Six. Neither Oompah Thump-Ya nor Gun Bunny make it through without penalties, and Bunny is sent to the penalty box. BB*DD 36 - MMR 18
Jam Seven. Gun Bunny starts in the box, Ciderella ends up in it. BB*DD 39 - MMR 18
Jam Eight. Attack’s second turn as jammer. BB*DD 48 - MMR 18
Jam Nine. Blizzhard vs. Thump-Ya. BB*DD 54 - MMR 22
Jam Ten. Gun Bunny beats Inky Minx to lead jammer, Union Jack-U-Up offers Violet a whip and there is cold, ruthless blocking from Roisin. BB*DD 57 - MMR 22
Jam Eleven. Ciderella beats KiKi Kasplat to lead jammer. BB*DD 60 - MMR 41
Jam Twelve. Sleazy Rider takes lead jammer ahead of Germaine Leer, who ends up in the penalty box. BB*DD 63 - MMR 41
Jam Thirteen. Germaine Leer remains the MMR jammer from the box and rejoins Violet Attack on the track, but neither make it to lead jammer. BB*DD 72 - MMR 41
Jam Fourteen. Hilda Blizzhard is lead jammer, Oompah Thump-Ya is held back. BB*DD 77 - MMR 41
Jam Fifteen. Gun Bunny gets lead jammer, and this time the pack prevents Germaine Leer from getting through. BB*DD 83 - MMR 41
Jam Sixteen. Union Jack-U-Up gets through first to get three points as lead jammer, but Rita Von Sleaze gets four. Half time score: BB*DD 86 - MMR 45



Period Two
Jam One. Gun Bunny is the first lead jammer of the second period. Oompa Thump Ya comes crashing off the track, through a table and into Noise Pollution. BB*DD 92 - MMR 45
Jam Two. KiKi Kasplat skates furiously focused but Inky Minx slips through. BlizzHard gets majored. BB*DD 95 - MMR 48
Jam Three. Fraulein Wunder slides through the pack and into lead jammer, but Sleazy Rider’s right on her tail. BB*DD 99 - MMR 51
Jam Four. Hilda BlizzHard is still in the penalty box. The pack is loose and no one is awarded lead jammer status. An excellent jam for Violet Attack who gains 19 legal passes. BB*DD 118 - MMR 51
Jam Five. Jammer Hilda BlizzHard and Roisin Roulette are sent off. Ciderella takes lead jammer and five points. BB*DD 118 - MMR 56
Jam Six. Violet Attack seems to be holding off the MMR insurgence single handed, or solo behinded, as she positions herself in front of everyone. Blizzhard gets six points on her return. BB*DD 124 - MMR 57
Jam Seven. Sees a pile up and OSMS rushing on to ensure everyone’s in one piece. Smokin Ace goes down with a dislocated shoulder and everyone drops to one knee hoping her injuries aren’t serious. Roisin’s tenure as lead jammer is short lived. BB*DD 125 - MMR 57
Jam Eight. Gun Bunny is knocked flying and Kiki is sent off. BB*DD 136 - MMR 59
Jam Nine. Fraulein Wunder makes hearty attempts to keep up, but Hilda BlizzHard is just too fast, determined and powerful. Diabolus Rutilus and Elle Fire show their skills as they glide effortlessly through the pack to be where they want to be. BB*DD 138 - MMR 61
Jam Ten. Hilda BlizzHard jolts through the pack like a pinball, taking lead jammer as the pack prevents Fraulein Wunder’s progress. And with twelve and a half minutes to go, the score is BB*DD 146 - MMR 61
Jam Eleven. A great jam for lead jammer KiKi Kasplat who slides through the pack, with Elle Fire attentively distracting the MMR pack, to pull Birmingham more than one hundred points ahead of Middlesborough. BB*DD 160 - MMR 61
Jam Twelve. Sleazy loses lead jammer to Armalite Angie. BB*DD 161- MMR 64
Jam Thirteen. Oompah Thump-Ya storms through the pack, beating Gun Bunny to lead jammer, but she is then sent to the box. Bitter Sweet and Bunny tangle up, and Bunny is later helped off the track by the medics. BB*DD 161 - MMR 72
Jam Fourteen. With Oompah Thump-Ya still in the box, Union Jack-U-Up storms into her finest moment. Again and again she whips round the track, slicing through the MMR pack like a hot knife slides through butter, racking up a whopping 26 points. Diabolus Rutilus shows her steel, absorbing a fierce blow from Germaine Leer. BB*DD 187 - MMR 72
Jam Fifteen. There can’t be much more now. Hilda BlizzHard waits for the second whistle with Fraulein Wunder again at her side, as Bee Sting‘s booty manipulates the pack. The Blitz Dames have clearly won the bout, but by how much, what have the Milk Rollers got to show in the final minutes? The Middlesborough jammer gets through first, showing the northerners’ spirit, it ain’t over yet, Birmingham! Middlesborough are still fighting. But BlizzHard is just too tough and scores seven to Wunder’s three. It’s BB*DD 194 - MMR 75
Jam Sixteen. With about half a minute left on the clock, the final ten on the track know this is it! Roisin Roulette and Ciderella are the last two skaters to jam. And though they must all be exhausted after an hour’s furious skating, the enthusiasm and determination remains undiminished. BB*DD 198 - MMR 78


We MMRemember, The Blitz Dames speak:

Roisin Roulette: “Bitter Sweet taking a hit, getting back up and catching the pack to try and knock Armalite Angie over (you have to admire her ambition! first bout and all .....) “

Victoria Cross: “Angie coming on to jam like a steam locomotive with everyone from both teams fighting to get out of her way!”

Roisin Roulette: “Diabolus Rutilus wanting to skate every jam…Kiki really making her mark as a jammer and also getting in some good hits”

Blow Up Betty: “Watching Roulette, Kasplat and Sleazy break up wall after wall with
fierce fearlessness had me in awe for the match.”

The Skatrix: “Diabolus made a fearsome blocker 4!”

Roisin Roulette: “Blizzhard, Sin and Elle Fire clearing the MMR blockers off the inside line towards the front of the pack, Diamondback and VC and Bee in the thick of it, UJ and Sleazy all over the track, hitting at the back and then
getting in front of the MMR jammer when she thought she was through; it was
a lovely bout to jam in.”

Blow Up Betty: “Their little jammers Ooompa Thumpa and Ciderella both did a great job at getting up again and again after getting trampled by the dames defence.”

Roisin Roulette: “U-J's look of baffled innocence when Germaine Leer said she'd elbowed her in the face (like how would she reach that high anyway?)”

Saintly Sin: “There we are, standing around, the air around us electrified and Skatrix tells us to get on the bench and the positions we are to play. “Kiki-pivot, Diamondback-2, Sin-3,UJ(?)-4, Roisin-jamming.” We park our backsides on the bench, quivering in excitement and Kiki turns to me “Wow, I’ve never been in the last jam before” It dawns on me then, oh my, this is it, this is gonna be the last jam, this is just the glory jam, we won it already, this will be fun.
Elle Fire turns to everyone and says “It is, it’s the last one, this is it. Shall we just batter them? Let’s just destroy them. Free for all dames, knock them down”. We all agree, we are just gonna have some fun with this and just do as much bashing as possible.
The whistle blows. Skatrix tells us to get on the track. We skate on, focused, and ready for some fun. We line up, a milk roller stands next to me and smiles, I grin back, she knows what’s coming. The pack whistle is blown, we start to skate, we’re partway round the track and I see white, blue and pink roll up next to me, is she a jammer? A pivot? A blocker? Quite frankly I don’t care, she is a Milk Roller and for now, she is the opposition so BANG and she is on the floor, oh yes, she is down, I make a fist for a personal little celebration of my take down and across he PA I hear Jack “Saintly Sin is celebrating her take down” thanks Jack.
As the Milk Rollers went down, our Roisin just slipped through the pack with ease, that’s our Roisin, jammer extraordinaire. Time ends and the final whistle blows with Roisin managing to bring the score to an amazing 198 to the Dames. We have done it, Middleborough Milk Rollers 78, Blitz Dames 198. It’s time for the victory lap, so many high fives, so many smiling faces from both the crowd and the amazing Middleborough girls. What a fantastic bunch and what a pleasure to skate with.
Party time, and even before my skates are off, a pina colada appears in my hand*…"

Roisin Roulette: “Bee scaring the MMR girls, UJ knocking 'em down, Blizzhard a quick and strong pivot and tireless jammer, Attack getting sent off at the start,
then getting into her groove and cutting through the pack with her usual incisive skating but taking responsibility as captain to pivot and let the new jammers have a go.”


The Birmingham Blitz Derby Dames loved hosting the Middlesborough Milk Rollers and can’t wait for the rematch!




*although, of course, Ms Saintly Sin didn’t DRINK it until she had removed her skates. Blitzdames follow the rules TO THE LETTER!